"Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me"
Oke, in progreessing doing journal with with this song playing. Literally, i'm not getting inspired with this song's playing but seems like this song is a kinda mood booster to me. Now i'm stopping journaling and just listening to this song. I got the meaning of this song, but since i don't have somone who can be truly my 'mirror' so i consider the shadow is as myself.
I'm figuring out myself everytime i look at myself through my mirror, whom else i can see beside me ? Another ordinary girl that exist in this world. I'm not trying to get appreciate from around but i wonder how can i do to this world, to the people who admit my existence, to show some gratitudes to them because they keep me around. People say that everyone whom exist in this world has their own meaning and make the world different if they don't exist. But i wonder how if i'm not exist ? What difference would happen in this world ? To the people around me ? I wonder too, how about every baby whom die in a few days after their born, or maybe whom die before even was borned. The mother whom doing abortion because her baby's existence is not so admirable ? How if they survive, being a teen, an adult, what can they do to the world ? Imagine, that this world will be more beautiful if they exist.
"Even if the humans do our best, human's territory and God's territory are separate and different" ~ Lee Sang Shik - Obstetrics and Gynecology Doctors
Well, it's enough to prove that how hard we think about the death and born fate, there's nothing we can change about it. All i can do is just being grateful because i've given life untill now, how the world stays beautiful at the morning and at night. As long as i can still look up to the sky and it calms me down, the world is still beautiful.
But still, everytime i look in the mirror, i still see another ordinary girl whom wondering what she can does to this beautiful world
24/09/13
18/09/13
"At first, when your tears drenched my clothes. I thought to just wait and let it dry.
But those tears became bigger clouds and wind, and fell as rain that held back my footsteps.
While rain that can't be stopped, can't be avoided, falls down on me.
Where am i supposed to go ? I lost my way.
Eventhough i want to run far away, you stay on my mind and i keep coming back.
I want to protect you and i want to treat you well.
While getting rained on, i must have lost my mind" ~ Cha Dae Woong - My Girlfriend is A Gumiho
But those tears became bigger clouds and wind, and fell as rain that held back my footsteps.
While rain that can't be stopped, can't be avoided, falls down on me.
Where am i supposed to go ? I lost my way.
Eventhough i want to run far away, you stay on my mind and i keep coming back.
I want to protect you and i want to treat you well.
While getting rained on, i must have lost my mind" ~ Cha Dae Woong - My Girlfriend is A Gumiho
31/07/13
That ordinary kind of love
Walking with holding hands along the road. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
When you love someone you just knew, falling in love after letting them come into your life in a month. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Texting you with the sweet words, sometimes give you a doll and rose when you meet. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Dating almost every weekend, eating together and watching movies. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Calling each other with honey, baby, darling in every texting moment. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Showing affection towards each other by doing skinship in every chance you could get. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Texting you then asking "have you eaten", saying goodnight, saying goodmorning, and asked you to eat when you say you haven't. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Texting you every second when you say you're sad, sick, and need to cry. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Is that really the ordinary kind of love or it's just a lust ?
Yeah sometimes i envy with those ordinary kind of love
But, what if
I let him come into my life in years not months
I almost never hold hands when walking together because i'm too shy to do it
I don't like to be given roses and dolls. I'd rather be sang a sweet song than texted with sweet words
But, that lovey dovey things are too mainstream to me, huh
We don't have to date every weekend, i'm even too shy to watching movies or eating if just the two of us
Calling each other with honey, darling are a bit disgusting in every texting moment. Why don't you call each other with those nicknames without shyness in front of everyone
I'd rather he looks me in the eyes and give me warm situation and advice to show me his affection
Texting me every second just to ask if i have eaten is a kind of "useless" and boring. I'd rather texted where he is and what he is doing so i don't have to text him often so we don't disturb each other activities
I'd rather he just come to meet me without thinking about his schedule when i'm sad rather that he spend his whole activities texting me
That's why i'm difficult, i usually get attached with someone whom i know for years, someone who's around me for years
Someone who knows everything about me so i don't have to tell, who quickly knows what to do when i'm in a certain condition with certain mood
Who's always feel protective towards me in their special own way
Who pretends doesn't care but understand every little detail of me
Who shows his love by action not by words
Who's very gentlemen and mannerism towards my family and friends
Who can also make my friends comfortable
Who's always be there if i need him
And the most important thing is
He, who will always teach me how to be a mature woman in their special own way
That's my ordinary kind of love.
When you love someone you just knew, falling in love after letting them come into your life in a month. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Texting you with the sweet words, sometimes give you a doll and rose when you meet. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Dating almost every weekend, eating together and watching movies. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Calling each other with honey, baby, darling in every texting moment. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Showing affection towards each other by doing skinship in every chance you could get. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Texting you then asking "have you eaten", saying goodnight, saying goodmorning, and asked you to eat when you say you haven't. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Texting you every second when you say you're sad, sick, and need to cry. Is that the ordinary kind of love ?
Is that really the ordinary kind of love or it's just a lust ?
Yeah sometimes i envy with those ordinary kind of love
But, what if
I let him come into my life in years not months
I almost never hold hands when walking together because i'm too shy to do it
I don't like to be given roses and dolls. I'd rather be sang a sweet song than texted with sweet words
But, that lovey dovey things are too mainstream to me, huh
We don't have to date every weekend, i'm even too shy to watching movies or eating if just the two of us
Calling each other with honey, darling are a bit disgusting in every texting moment. Why don't you call each other with those nicknames without shyness in front of everyone
I'd rather he looks me in the eyes and give me warm situation and advice to show me his affection
Texting me every second just to ask if i have eaten is a kind of "useless" and boring. I'd rather texted where he is and what he is doing so i don't have to text him often so we don't disturb each other activities
I'd rather he just come to meet me without thinking about his schedule when i'm sad rather that he spend his whole activities texting me
That's why i'm difficult, i usually get attached with someone whom i know for years, someone who's around me for years
Someone who knows everything about me so i don't have to tell, who quickly knows what to do when i'm in a certain condition with certain mood
Who's always feel protective towards me in their special own way
Who pretends doesn't care but understand every little detail of me
Who shows his love by action not by words
Who's very gentlemen and mannerism towards my family and friends
Who can also make my friends comfortable
Who's always be there if i need him
And the most important thing is
He, who will always teach me how to be a mature woman in their special own way
That's my ordinary kind of love.
03/05/13
Let me share about 'the belonging'
Oke, saya memutuskan untuk 'spill out' sedikit tentang kericuhan atau ke-messed up-an yang terjadi selama peristiwa yang saya alami barusan. okelah, acara kita ini masih jauh dari sempurna, berbagai persiapan mesti kudu dilakukan, dan ditengah - tengah segala kehebohan hiruk - pikuk itu, kita masih punya tanggungan kan ya ? apalagi kalo bukan jurnal. Okelah, mungkin pikiran kita lagi berantakan, hingga ada percikan sedikit, langsung meledak semua. Kalo dari sudut pandang saya, itu hanya ledakan kecil yang terjadi, belum secara massal. Apabila itu sudah mencapai massal ? Well, imagine it by yourself.
Saya sempet kecewa, karena terdapat beberapa statement marah yang terlontar selama rapat berlangsung, statement membentak, bahkan itu ditujukan untuk ketua. Kasian lo jadi ketua, udah pusing mikir banyak, tambah mikir jurnal, belum lagi digituin sama anak buahnya *pukpuk ketua*. Okelah, statement - statement tadi menambah panas suasana hingga memaksa teman - teman lain mengelurkan semua uneg - uneg.nya. Dan tebakan saya, hanya sedikit dari mereka yang mau speak up walau dibawah 'intimidasi' orang lain.
Dia bilang, "kita itu kayak kurang dari sense of belonging, kita nggak bisa nyatu, kita seolah-olah 'ngeblok' gitu". Dalam hati sih saya mumbling, "iya bener, masak komting aja gak tau ?". Dan statement temen saya itu langsung dipotong dengan statement dari orang lain, orang yang sama yang menyulut panas tadi, "kalo menurut saya, sense of belonging akan datang dengan sendirinya kalo kita punya passion untuk mengerjakan sesuatu.". Jujur sih, statement itu yang tidak saya setujui. Sense of belonging bukan sesuatu yang semacam rasa 'crush' yang cepat datang dan pergi. Passion juga tidak terlalu menjadi peran yang signifikan dalam pertumbuhan sense of belonging itu.
“A sense of belonging is the feeling of being connected and accepted within one’s family and community.” - James Gilmore
Dari semua pengalaman yang saya dapat, sense of belonging itu tidak tumbuh dalam waktu yang singkat. Dalam kasus saya, perlu waktu dua tahun - satu tahun masa pengkaderan, dan satu tahun masa menjabat - untuk menyempurnakan sense of belonging dalam organisasi yang saya ikuti yaitu Prada (Pramuka Smada). Dalam Prada ini, sense of belonging saya tumbuh seiring dengan segala macam pengkaderan yang angkatan saya dapat (angkatan 12 - Prada '12). Dalam proses satu tahun pengkaderan kami, kami kesakitan, kami menangis, kami bahagia bersama. Kami ingat, betapa korang kami berkorban untuk kami, menahan sakit kami sendirian, bagaimana kami melihat korang kami menderita di depan kami, sementara kami hanya bisa menangis. Bagaimana pradana kami melindungi kami seperti sosok ayah dan ibu kami pada tahun kedua. Semua pengalaman sakit yang kami alami selama dua tahun itulah yang menumbuhkan dan menyempurnakan sense of belonging kami, hingga masing - masing personal mengenal satu sama lain dengan baik.
Okelah, kalau mungkin saya utopis, tapi contoh lain yang bisa saya dapatkan adalah dari boyband favorit saya, Bigbang. Selama hampir tujuh tahun boyband itu berdiri, saya merasakan sense of belonging mereka yang menyempurna dari tahun ke tahun. Mereka harus menghadapi kasus kecelakaan mobil yang menimpa salah satu anggotanya hingga - di masa keemasaanya - mereka harus hiatus demi merefleksikan diri. Satu kasus belum usai, muncul kasus skandal mariyuana yang juga terjadi di salah satu member yang lain. Mereka harus memperpanjang masa hiatus mereka, melihat dan membaca komentar - komentar 'bash' yang dilontarkan masyarakat. Namun itu semua membuat mereka, dan kami sebagai VIP mereka, menjadi semakin menyatu dan kuat. Saya masih ingat, saya membaca komentar dari sebuah KVips yang menyatakan bahwa mereka - termasuk saya, dan VIP lainnya - akan terus mencintai dan mendukung Bigbang apapun yang terjadi. Saya masih ingat ketika saya membaca ada seseorang yang mengintip jendela dorm mereka karena mendengar salah satu member menangis dalam rangkulan member yang lain.
See ? Now they're shining, right ? Di tahun yang sama, mereka mendapatkan penghargaan dalam kategori 'Worldwide Act' dalam MTV EMA 2011. Saya streaming di pagi - pagi buta dan menangis saat mereka menerima penghargaan tersebut. Itu merupakan salah satu bukti bahwa VIP terus mencintai mereka apapun yang terjadi. Mereka sukses mengadakan 'Alive World Tour' dengan sambutan yang luar biasa. Afeksi yang saling mereka berikan kepada masing - masing member membuktikan bahwa mereka luar biasa saat menghadapi tekanan yang luar biasa pula. Itu cukup membuat saya tidak berhenti mencintai mereka dan Prada '12 :) Dari sini, cukup bisa dikatakan bahwa sense of belonging membutuhkan waktu dan proses yang lama. Kita harus sakit bersama agar sense of belongin tercipta. Saya yakin, hal itu akan terjadi pada kita juga seiring berjalannya waktu, karena sesuatu yang dipaksakan tidak akan berhasil baik kan ?
Saya sempet kecewa, karena terdapat beberapa statement marah yang terlontar selama rapat berlangsung, statement membentak, bahkan itu ditujukan untuk ketua. Kasian lo jadi ketua, udah pusing mikir banyak, tambah mikir jurnal, belum lagi digituin sama anak buahnya *pukpuk ketua*. Okelah, statement - statement tadi menambah panas suasana hingga memaksa teman - teman lain mengelurkan semua uneg - uneg.nya. Dan tebakan saya, hanya sedikit dari mereka yang mau speak up walau dibawah 'intimidasi' orang lain.
Dia bilang, "kita itu kayak kurang dari sense of belonging, kita nggak bisa nyatu, kita seolah-olah 'ngeblok' gitu". Dalam hati sih saya mumbling, "iya bener, masak komting aja gak tau ?". Dan statement temen saya itu langsung dipotong dengan statement dari orang lain, orang yang sama yang menyulut panas tadi, "kalo menurut saya, sense of belonging akan datang dengan sendirinya kalo kita punya passion untuk mengerjakan sesuatu.". Jujur sih, statement itu yang tidak saya setujui. Sense of belonging bukan sesuatu yang semacam rasa 'crush' yang cepat datang dan pergi. Passion juga tidak terlalu menjadi peran yang signifikan dalam pertumbuhan sense of belonging itu.
“A sense of belonging is the feeling of being connected and accepted within one’s family and community.” - James Gilmore
Dari semua pengalaman yang saya dapat, sense of belonging itu tidak tumbuh dalam waktu yang singkat. Dalam kasus saya, perlu waktu dua tahun - satu tahun masa pengkaderan, dan satu tahun masa menjabat - untuk menyempurnakan sense of belonging dalam organisasi yang saya ikuti yaitu Prada (Pramuka Smada). Dalam Prada ini, sense of belonging saya tumbuh seiring dengan segala macam pengkaderan yang angkatan saya dapat (angkatan 12 - Prada '12). Dalam proses satu tahun pengkaderan kami, kami kesakitan, kami menangis, kami bahagia bersama. Kami ingat, betapa korang kami berkorban untuk kami, menahan sakit kami sendirian, bagaimana kami melihat korang kami menderita di depan kami, sementara kami hanya bisa menangis. Bagaimana pradana kami melindungi kami seperti sosok ayah dan ibu kami pada tahun kedua. Semua pengalaman sakit yang kami alami selama dua tahun itulah yang menumbuhkan dan menyempurnakan sense of belonging kami, hingga masing - masing personal mengenal satu sama lain dengan baik.
Okelah, kalau mungkin saya utopis, tapi contoh lain yang bisa saya dapatkan adalah dari boyband favorit saya, Bigbang. Selama hampir tujuh tahun boyband itu berdiri, saya merasakan sense of belonging mereka yang menyempurna dari tahun ke tahun. Mereka harus menghadapi kasus kecelakaan mobil yang menimpa salah satu anggotanya hingga - di masa keemasaanya - mereka harus hiatus demi merefleksikan diri. Satu kasus belum usai, muncul kasus skandal mariyuana yang juga terjadi di salah satu member yang lain. Mereka harus memperpanjang masa hiatus mereka, melihat dan membaca komentar - komentar 'bash' yang dilontarkan masyarakat. Namun itu semua membuat mereka, dan kami sebagai VIP mereka, menjadi semakin menyatu dan kuat. Saya masih ingat, saya membaca komentar dari sebuah KVips yang menyatakan bahwa mereka - termasuk saya, dan VIP lainnya - akan terus mencintai dan mendukung Bigbang apapun yang terjadi. Saya masih ingat ketika saya membaca ada seseorang yang mengintip jendela dorm mereka karena mendengar salah satu member menangis dalam rangkulan member yang lain.
See ? Now they're shining, right ? Di tahun yang sama, mereka mendapatkan penghargaan dalam kategori 'Worldwide Act' dalam MTV EMA 2011. Saya streaming di pagi - pagi buta dan menangis saat mereka menerima penghargaan tersebut. Itu merupakan salah satu bukti bahwa VIP terus mencintai mereka apapun yang terjadi. Mereka sukses mengadakan 'Alive World Tour' dengan sambutan yang luar biasa. Afeksi yang saling mereka berikan kepada masing - masing member membuktikan bahwa mereka luar biasa saat menghadapi tekanan yang luar biasa pula. Itu cukup membuat saya tidak berhenti mencintai mereka dan Prada '12 :) Dari sini, cukup bisa dikatakan bahwa sense of belonging membutuhkan waktu dan proses yang lama. Kita harus sakit bersama agar sense of belongin tercipta. Saya yakin, hal itu akan terjadi pada kita juga seiring berjalannya waktu, karena sesuatu yang dipaksakan tidak akan berhasil baik kan ?
15/03/13
Special *this kind of love-broken expression does still exist*
Did
we really love? Or
was it just a long war?
At
the tangled memories, I smile and I cry
More
than any of the good memories with anyone else
I
miss the times I spent with you, I
want you so I’m stewing in sickness
If
love is measured by how much one was in pain
Then
you were a love that I won’t ever have again
Even
if it’s in this way, even if it became a scar
Thank
you for settling inside of me
You
are, you are, you a-are so
special to me.
I
guess this is goodbye (we died), I
guess this is lingering attachment
It’s
a worse sickness than love or obsession
It
seemed like you would spread like a bruise and completely disappear
But
you’re a deep wound that will grow along with me forever
If
you are breathing in my tears, I won’t let them dry
If
you’re still squirming in my scar, I won’t let it heal
Even
if it hurts, it’s okay if it’s you
Even
if they are sad memories, it’s okay if they’re mine
Even
if it’s not happiness, even if it is unhappiness
Because
it’s a gift you gave me, I thank you
Even
though I hate you to death, I thank you
I’m
not afraid of loving again and being hurt again
Because
no one could hurt me as much as you did, no
Precious
you
If
love is measured by how much one was in pain
Then
you were a love that I won’t ever have again
Even
if it’s in this way, even if I will regret it
Thank
you for remaining in me
You
are, you are, you a-are so
special to me.
(First
you made my heart beat. Then you beat my heart.)
You
are, you are, you a-are so
special to me.
(First
you made my heart beat).
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